Why does passion pass? How to add to the romantic connection of sharpness and brightness? Can I bring back the feeling of novelty after twenty years of family life? Is there a way to improve the quality of intimate relationships? Answers to these questions you will find in the books “Reproduction in captivity”, “The paradox of passion” and “As the woman wants.” We publish some tips from them.
1. Look At Relationship from Different Angle
As a rule, the fervent feelings that we experience at the beginning of a relationship, sooner or later begin to fade, and after a few years pass completely. Why is this happening? The fact is that in the first months of our acquaintance we do not yet know our partner well enough, we are fascinated by a separate, independent person, who has his secrets and riddles, and we try to enter his special world.
Then the distance becomes less and less. In place of the newness, excitement, expectation and fragility that fueled our passion, stability comes. Relationships no longer develop, it seems to us that we know absolutely everything about the other person. And this is the beginning of a family household tragedy that lasts dozens of years.
Reliability, trust and closeness is not bad, but without some uncertainty it becomes boring for us. That is why you need to change something in your own perception and look at the relationship in a different way.
Let the experiments, the game and flirting enter into a life together. Do not force the partner to set templates once and for all: he is still full of secrets and changes a little every day. Try to see in him an attractive stranger.
Never dissolve into another person, so as not to lose yourself. Everyone has the right to their own hobbies, secrets, freedom and personal space. And only this way you can remain interesting to each other.
2.Try To Keep Space for Yourself After Kids
Often people complain that with the advent of the child, romance and passion leave the relationship, because the young parents begin to spend all their free time on the baby, not on each other.
But it’s not about the birth of a new member of the family, but the fact that most modern couples cultivate children. Perhaps you will be surprised, but you do not need to spend all your energy & time just to satisfy every whim of a child. Our ancestors would never have dreamed of running around children like us!
Try every week to find at least a few hours, which you can devote only to your partner – and no one else. Make an appointment in a restaurant or a theater, take a walk in the park. At these moments, do not think of any family problems: just enjoy each other.
3. Try To Understand Desires of Partner
Sex and love are completely different things, and do not confuse them. In love, emotional closeness, support, tenderness is important to us, and in the field of erotic, many people are waiting for something quite different: aggression, domination (or submission), satisfaction of selfish desires. By the way, there is nothing wrong here, even on the contrary: in sex it is necessary to be selfish, give oneself to the process and not think about responsibility at this moment.
However, people do not always understand that their expectations can differ from the expectations of the partner. For example, for someone, an erotic connection is another manifestation of a trembling love, and someone in bed needs very different emotions. To all this did not lead to a disagreement in the intimate life, it is necessary to understand each other’s desires.
To do this, you can perform a simple exercise. Each partner will need a piece of paper, divided into two columns. In the first, it is necessary to write down all associations with the word “love”, and in the second – with the word “sex”. This helps to separate love from bed, to understand one’s own erotic desires and compare them with the expectations of the beloved.
4. Learn To Manage Stress
If you are overwhelmed with typical modern problems, then almost everything will be more important than intimacy: for your brain, any stress is a lion running towards you. And what kind of intimacy is there, if the lion is getting closer?
Stress is directly related to the struggle for survival. Sex brings a lot of benefits, but it does not directly contribute directly to personal survival. Therefore, most of us in the state of stress trigger all brakes at once.
To reduce the impact of stress on the ability to get sexual pleasure and intemacy, make sex more enjoyable, easy, playful, and learn to manage stress.
The main thing in effective stress management is to complete the cycle of stress: to leave the state of inhibition, to escape from the predator or kill the enemy and rejoice.
Let’s think what kind of behavior the body will perceive as salvation from the lion. If a lion is running at you, what will you do? Try to escape, of course. Therefore, if stress is caused by work (or sexual life), what needs to be done? Run … or walk, or dance, at least close in the bedroom, or work out on the simulator. Physical activity is the most effective means for completing a cycle of reaction to stress. It helps to bring the central nervous system into a state of equilibrium.
Scientists believe that there are other ways to feel better. Among them, a dream; any form of meditation, including the practice of mindfulness, yoga, body scanning. And sometimes it is harmless to cry and cry. You can also take a break and go out and enjoy.
5. Form Attachment Based on Confidence
Without delving into the details, you can characterize two styles of affection: based on confidence or on uncertainty.
Attachment based on uncertainty is associated with one of two strategies: avoidance and anxiety.
If attachment is formed in conjunction with anxiety, then you learn to cope with the risk that the attachment can leave you, clinging to it or for it tightly. People who have formed affection in conjunction with avoidance, compensate for the risk that the object of attachment will leave them, trying not to seriously adhere to anyone.
Now try to guess which type gets more satisfaction from sex: those who form affection based on confidence, or those who have affection combined with anxiety or avoidance? Of course: those who have affection based on confidence are much more satisfied with sexual life (and relationships in general).
6. Become Self-Sufficient
In most couples, sooner or later one person begins to love more, and the other – less and less. The good news is that if you want you can change this situation and achieve harmony.
“Weak” (the one who loves the stronger) is convinced that his unshakable love and adoration will bring together a couple, although more and more evidence shows the opposite. Fear of breaking determines the behavior of a person, fetters him, makes him act unnaturally. Immediately it becomes obvious how desperately the “weak” needs its partner, and this prevents the restoration of relations.
Probably the most pernicious in the fear of parting is that a person clings to a loved one with a death grip, not allowing himself to engage in anything outside the framework of this union. The best chance of the dependent party to strengthen relations is to try to redirect their emotional energy to something else. This does not mean that you should stop loving your partner or portray the inaccessibility. You just have to try and put your own life in order.
Reduce the pressure on your loved one and think about how to become stronger yourself. Work on restoring your individuality outside of relationships. Arrange suppers, go to the movies with friends, do shopping, travel, read interesting books, attend lectures. And for starters, just ask yourself these questions:
- What activities gave me pleasure before meeting with my chosen one?
- What are my personal goals beyond this relationship?
- What is my social life beyond this relationship?
- What strengths do I have?
7. Don’t Be Ovely Dependent
The most common panic reaction to the crisis in relations is exaggeratedly dependent and obsequious behavior. However, you have a wonderful way out: learn to notice your reflex reactions of the “weak” and resist them. To develop this useful ability, make a list of your most frightening and often manifested reflexes of dependent behavior, for example:
- I always agree with the partner;
- I never show him my indignation and anger;
- I call him and stop at his office every time I feel jealousy or insecurity;
- I try to always be more helpful and kind to him;
- I always do what he wants, even if I myself do not want it.
Prepare to track unwanted reflexes of the “weak”, and then discourage yourself from the actions they prompt. Over time, you will become so accustomed to follow your reactions that you will easily suppress them. While you learn to control excessive reactions and reflex behavior, your thoughts will become clear, and the impulses to act as “weak” will come to naught.
8. Love Your Body
The tendency to not love and criticize one’s own body is so characteristic of Western culture that most do not even understand how harmful it is and how widespread it is at the same time.
In 2012, the results of 57 different studies that were conducted for twenty years were summed up and it turned out that there are strong links between the attitude to one’s own body and various manifestations of sexual behavior: the attitude to one’s body is determined by the excitement and desire, and orgasm, and frequency of sex, and self-assessment as a sexual partner.
A person will not be completely satisfied with his sex life, if he does not feel full and unconditional satisfaction with his body. To have sex more often and better, you need to learn how to love your body.
Examine you- or remove at least part of the clothes – and consider your body in the mirror. Write down everything you see and what you like. Of course, first of all your brain will be filled with self-criticism and disgust, which accumulated there for many years. Do not forget that the day you were born, your body was enthralled all around, you were loved unconditionally and unconditionally. Today it can be repeated.
Let all self-criticism go, stop blaming yourself, notice only what you like. Do this exercise again and again – at least every day, if possible.
Learn to ignore attacks of self-criticism and negative judging thoughts, focus on thoughts expressing sympathy for yourself. And gradually it will become easier for you to appreciate and love your body, how it deserves to be treated with respect and love.
9. Stop Self-Criticism
We constantly criticize ourselves: “I’m so stupid / fat / abnormal”, “I’m a loser,” “I’m not capable of anything.” But self-criticism is closely related to depression; but does depression contribute to harmony in relationships and improve the sexual side of your life? No, it does not.
We need to learn how to be sympathetic and understanding in every situation: when we are successful, and when something does not work out for us. To do this, it is necessary to drown out the voice of the internal critic and stop evaluating yourself.
Do the following exercise, which helps to increase the level of empathy for yourself:
1. Write a description of the situation in which you criticize and punish yourself. You can use any example, from sexual or romantic relationships (or lack thereof) to events at work. Be sure to write down all the tough critical thoughts that spin in your head and give you no peace.
2. At the top of the sheet, write down the name of your close friend (friend) and imagine that he (she) shares with you the problem that you just described. Imagine that he asks you for help, and write down what you say to him. Try to show maximum sympathy and support, to remain calm.
3. Now read all the tips. Of course, they are not for a friend, but for you.
The short conclusion from this exercise is this: never tell yourself what your best friend would not say.
10. Develop a Story
Here are a couple of ideas that, according to research, will help “promote the plot” in a relationship that has already passed into the phase of “lived happily ever after.”
Strategy 1: Anything that accelerates your heartbeat. Try to do what accelerates the heart rate. Go for a ride on the attractions, go on long trekking trips to wild places, watch scary movies, go to huge concerts or political meetings, spend hours arguing about science. Do whatever looks exciting to you, everything that literally makes your heart beat faster. You experience a general excitement, the brain notices this excitement, notices the person next to you and thinks: “Aha, it seems, this person is really interesting!”
Strategy 2: meaningful obstacles. To strengthen your communication and deepen your contact, look for new sensations and the opportunity to overcome sensible obstacles together. Play out the sexual fantasy that you wanted to try for a long time, but did not find the courage in you. Turn on the light – not to arrange a performance, but to open your eyes and look at each other in the face. Make the contact. Risk and immerse yourself in trust. Set yourself an important goal, for which you will have to work hard for both of you as a couple.