People with fear of commitment do not dare to bind themselves properly. That can be very difficult in a relationship. One moment everything seems to be going well and you have the feeling that your relationship is developing very positively, the next moment your partner has dumped you and has gone away. Because of his fear of commitment, he does not dare to commit himself to you. There could be various reasons for this. For people with fear of commitment, it is difficult to enter into relationships. But not impossible. As long as the person with fear of commitment and his partner talk openly about it.
Causes of anxiety
Fear of attachment often arises because people have had traumatic experiences in relationships. This may already have happened as a small child, due to mental or physical neglect of the parents. A child who cannot properly attach to the parents may experience anxiety at a later age. There is no trust in relationships, the fear that the person you love will let you down or disappoint you is so great that you would rather not have a relationship.
However, anxiety may also develop later in life, due to previous bad experiences with relationships. Traumatic experiences around divorces and relationships can also cause someone to be afraid of entering into relationships. Divorces can also cause someone to no longer believe in themselves, in their ability to make relationships succeed. Such a person gets anxiety because he is afraid of ruining it again and making the other unhappy.
Other causes may lie in the fear of losing freedom, because you have seen how a relationship deprived others of their freedom. Or uncertainty about choosing a partner, because you always think that you are choosing wrong.
How do you recognize someone with a fear of commitment?
It is not the case that every person who does not want to live together immediately if the other does want it, has fear of attachment. Everyone has a different pace of growth in a relationship. The one binds faster than the other. It is therefore not necessary to immediately think that your partner has fear of attachment if he does not want to go as fast as you. But how do you recognize fear of attachment? People with fear of attachment often fall for unattainable, married men and women. Moreover, they often have new relationships that never last, because they end relationships before they get serious. In addition, many people with fear of attachment have a long list of requirements that their ideal partner should meet and which they do not want to make concessions to.
By the way, every person is different, and every person with fear of attachment is also different. A tight list of characteristics cannot be given, and it is not the case that everyone who meets one of the above characteristics has a fear of binding by definition.
Help from a relationship coach
People with fear of commitment do enter into relationships. People with fear of commitment can also feel true, deep love. That fear is therefore not easy for them. Couples who suffer from the pressure of fear of binding by one of them and start talking about it with each other can certainly develop a good relationship. Sometimes this requires help from a relationship coach.
The first step in dealing with anxiety is awareness and acceptance. For example, the binding anxiety of one can cause separation anxiety in the other. After all, you are extra afraid that your partner will leave you if you know that he has a fear of commitment. As a result, the partner may start to exhibit claiming behavior, as a result of which the person with fear of attachment feels suffocated and more likely to walk away. It can be very good to express such feelings and to keep telling each other how important the other person is to you.
A relationship coach can help raise awareness, explain how the feelings of the person with anxiety and the partner’s reaction to it can reinforce each other. Then a relationship coach can give tips to deal with these feelings well.
Do it yourself
The help of a relationship coach is not always necessary. What can help, for example, if fear of attachment threatens to disturb the relationship, is talking about the future. Discuss together how you want your relationship to look, how you want to continue together. If both of you have the same vision, you can keep reminding each other and you can continue together. Through such conversations and especially through understanding and awareness of each other’s problems, it is quite possible to have a relationship with someone with fear of commitment.
Do you want to learn how to guide clients in interpreting and understanding relationships? A Relationship Coach trained by Sonnevelt guides clients looking for a different perspective on their relationship by providing insight into the dynamics that maintain certain patterns.